So far, the hardest part for me has been keeping all of this a secret. I’m tired ALL the time. I want to eat and DON”T want to eat very particular things. I’m crazy sensitive. And my boobs are in pain all day long. Luckily, I haven’t had too much morning sickness. But I definitely feel like my stomach is always on the verge of being unhappy with me.
And, since no one knows, people say whatever the hell they feel like. Conversations I have overheard include: “Better enjoy your life now – once you start having kids your life is over!” , “How can a person be sexy in maternity clothes?”, “You’ll have to wear those ugly jeans with the pouch.” “You better enjoy all those vacations now – you won’t go anywhere once you have kids”.
So i just smile and laugh and nod in agreement. And that just takes a toll on a person.
So I spent this Friday moping while Dave went out with his buddies. So tired that I couldn’t move off of the couch. My stomach in knots that I didn’t want to eat. This was my Friday night. Alone. In a messy house. With no urge to do anything.
Ugh. My life is over.
But then, on Saturday, I went to a wonderful dinner party with friends. Thank God! I took a lovely bath, did my makeup and my hair, put on a dress, dammit, and felt so much better. My friend made me a Ginger beer and lime cocktail and we talked and laughed into the evening. It was just what I needed.
After an emotionally tumultuous weekend, this is what I have to say now. I was one of those people terrified of having a baby and what that would do to my life as I know it. And that fear, along with a multitude of new fears, are ever present and have not gone away. But, I think, after this weekend, I now feel a renewed sense of confidence. I am pretty awesome. Dave is pretty awesome. And this new baby – is certain to be pretty awesome. And as a family, we will decide what our lives will become. Not over. And maybe not that much different. I’m pretty sure this baby will be going to restaurants all over town. This baby will definitely go to music festivals, and concerts, and Shakespeare in the park, and movies at the Wex. And we will have parties. And we will travel. We will get to influence a cool little version of us and expose him or her to our favorite parts of this world. And that is fucking cool.